Things to Think About
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving probably isn’t for you.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
- Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
- Why do people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
- Why is it that when we send something by car we call it SHIPment,
- but when we send something by ship we call it CARgo?
- Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?
- Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- No sense being pessimistic; it probably won’t work anyway.
- I thought about joining the Optimists, but then I had my doubts.
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you`re ahead?”
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- There are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it is pronounced?
- Of course I believe in free will. Do we have a choice?
- I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Take my advice, I’m not using it.
- I went to a restaurant that had a sign, “Breakfast Anytime”. So I ordered scrambled eggs during the Renaissance.
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- Don’t take life so seriously…it’s not permanent.
- Don’t worry about the world ending today…It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
- The really nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceded by a period of worry and depression.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but dishwashing liquid made from real lemons?
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case…coincidence?
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- Lights travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
- All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Ask me about eubonics
by the Famous and almost Famous
“By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech — every now and then she
stops to breathe.” – Jimmy Durante
“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.” – Alex Levine
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.” – Spike Milligan
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” – Henny Youngman
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then, it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her.” – W. C. Fields
by Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.”
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”
“I cannot remember the books I’ve read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.”
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”
“People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.”
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”
“People only see what they are prepared to see.”
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
Some Words of Wisdom
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It is in the compelling zest of high adventure and of victory, and in creative action, that man finds his supreme joys.
Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance’s within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer, in the long run, than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
Martin Luther King Jr.
You can only legislate desegregation. You cannot legislate integration. True integration will come when true neighbors are willingly obedient to unenforceable obligations.
All that is gold does not glitter. Not all those who wander are lost.
When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly.
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~ Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.
The Value of a Drink
‘Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’ – Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of Tequila may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
‘I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ‘ – Frank Sinatra
‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’ – Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
’24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.’ – Stephen Wright
‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!’ – Brian O’Rourke
‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’ – Benjamin Franklin
‘Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’ – Dave Barry
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! – Dave Howell
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ‘Buffalo Theory‘ to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:
‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’